Doing Something Scary

So I totally had a plan to post something funny today about almost peeing myself and then I decided to be super honest for a minute. I mean, that story would have been honest too. It’s just that this one is about that feeling when you have a knot in your stomach and you feel like you might hurl.

I posted a picture of myself on Facebook and Twitter.

Yeah, I know. Not so scary considering that I often post silly pictures of myself on this blog. However, this picture wasn’t one of those self-portraits where you can just see my face or my hair. I posted a picture of my body.

A body that I’m not completely happy with right now.
A body that is at its highest weight since I had my baby.

So why did I do it if it was so darn scary? Why not just keep posting pretty shots of me smiling with a cup of coffee? Or old pictures from my wedding over 4 years ago where I have professionally done makeup and a super awesome corset?

Well, when I was talking about my style rut a couple weeks ago I actually went looking through pictures on my personal Facebook page to illustrate how I pretty much always wear the same thing. As I was searching I realized that I haven’t taken an actual full body shot of my non-pregnant self in years.

None from before I was pregnant and definitely none from after Jack was born. Well, there is one family picture from Christmas, but I’m wearing flannel pj pants and holding Jack in front of my belly. So that kind of doesn’t count.

The point is I’m NOT happy with how I look right now. And there is unfortunately no magical way to blink and lose a bunch of weight. So this is how I look and I’m trying to own it.

This body created a healthy little boy.
This body has had cancerous pieces cut off and is still kicking.
This body has run 5k races and lived to tell the tale.

830295_417230315026029_1286886742_oYes, in the picture I’m looking down a little bit which creates a horrible double-chin. And yes, I’m not the size I want to be. But until I AM that size, I need to be okay with that.

So thank you to any of you who left me a nice comment on my Facebook page. It honestly made me feel so much less scared to put myself out there.

My goal is to get back to eating healthy and get back in shape, so that I’m proud to post a picture of myself for you to see.

Until then though, I’m going to be okay with what I’ve got. Actually, you know what? I’m not going to be okay with it, I’m going to ROCK the heck out of it.

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I Survived my 5k!

If you’ve been following along to my randomness, you know that I decided impulsively last Wednesday to go ahead and run the Baltimore Running Festival 5k on Saturday. I was incredibly unprepared since I hadn’t actually run 3 miles in over 16 months (before conceiving Jack). I decided that it was a total “mind over matter” moment though and decided to just suck it up and run the darn thing.

I bought this sticker and wore it on my back during the race.

My only goal was to run the entire race (no walking allowed) and to complete it in less than 40 minutes.

Jack and I woke up super early to get ready and pick up my brother, Jason, on the way to Baltimore. Jason had offered to hang out with Jack while I ran, which made this little challenge possible. Even though we gave ourselves plenty of time, we were (of course) running late.

After we parked and were finally walking towards the race start, we split up so that I could jog over in time for the race to start. Yeah, I said jog. It was such a waste of running energy. By time I got there, the race already started, so that kind of sucked. Timing chips were in our race numbers though, so in theory my actual race time wouldn’t start until I crossed the start line.

I turned on my super awesome iPod mix that I created especially for the race and started the run. One cool thing about starting dead last is that you get to pass a bunch of people! And pass I did, first I jogged passed a couple cute grandma types with walkers. Then, I darted around some blind walkers with their handlers.

Yeah, I felt like a freaking Olympian with my incredible quickness.

Um, no. No I didn’t.

Anyways, the first mile was pretty easy. I had purposefully loaded some chill songs on my mix, so I kind of relaxed into the run. There were a TON of people there though, so I was continuously darting around runners and walkers so that I wouldn’t smack into the back of anyone. All in all, I passed almost 1,000 people – which when you think about it like that is pretty darn cool.

I started feeling it somewhere between 1.5 to 2.5 miles – that was the point where I had to start giving myself a little pep talk. It pretty much went like this:

Me to self: Come on, you can DO IT! You pushed a baby out of your hooha, you can totally run three stinking miles!

Self to me: I can’t. This sucks and I would so much rather be sitting on the couch in my pajamas.

Me to self: Don’t be a little bitch! Look at all the people you are passing. You are a BEAST. (Looks at thin and beautiful girl in an adorable running outfit). See that girl? You just passed her. I PASSED YOU SKINNY GIRL! BooYA!

Self to me: Okay, that’s pretty cool.

Me to self: See that guy. Yeah, I’m going to pass him too…. BOOM. That JUST happened!

Self to me: {giggles} I am kind of a beast.

Me to self: Dude, this song is awesome. I’m totally going to sing along in my head to it and gesture wildly because I’m AWESOME. {Starts run-dancing along with ipod song and mouthing the words. May accidently be singing some of the words out loud}

Self to me: Um, lets dial it back a bit Ms. Crazy.

So yeah, that was pretty much what was going through my head for the middle part of the race. At one point between 2.5 miles and 3 miles I was convinced that they moved the mile marker sign. I don’t know if it was that I was running uphill or that I kept passing and then being passed by an 8 year old girl, but this part of the race seemed to go on slow motion.

Jack and me after the race — my shirt says: “Running slow is not a character flaw… QUITTING IS!”

When I FINALLY passed the 3 mile sign I started sprinting towards the finish line like I had made the mistake of eating lunch at Taco Bell. My arms were flailing around, I had an angry look on my face and I may have shoved people out of my way.

It wasn’t graceful, but it was a finish!

Since I started the race late, I didn’t know if I had accomplished my goal of completing it under 40 minutes. However, later that evening I was able to see my stats online… and I finished the race in 38 minutes and 49 seconds!

{Insert victory dance here! Victory dance is kind of lame though because my body hurts.}

Yes, I know that my time isn’t fast by any means – but I’m darn proud of myself anyways. With no preparation at all, I knocked out three miles in under 40 minutes! My overall place was 2,205 out of 3,181, so I was faster than 976 other people. And of the 2,022 women who ran the race, I came in at 1,310th – so I totally BEAT 712 other ladies (100 of them were in my age group)!

So yes, I’m proud of my accomplishment. And if I can accomplish this random goal what in the heck is holding me back from my other goals?

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Last Minute (Possibly Stupid) Decision

A few months ago when I was all in my “I’m totally going to get in shape, girl” mood I signed up to do the Baltimore Running Festival 5k. I had a few months to prepare and had run a bunch of 5k’s before pregnancy, so I figured it was no big deal. Well, fast forward a few months and I’ve pretty much done NOTHING to get myself back in shape. Unless you count the fact that I haven’t had a chance to go to the store to restock my super-sized marshmallows.

That doesn’t count? Crap.

When I signed up for the race, my friend Lindsay signed up to run it with me. Which I thought would be really great for us both to have an incentive to start/keep running to prepare. Unfortunately, she had to start wearing one of those super sassy boot things on her ankle/foot due to an old injury and wasn’t going to be able to run after all. Add that to the fact that I hadn’t arranged for a babysitter (my parents will be out of town and my husband will be working) and I figured that I’d just skip the event.

So that brings us to this week. I saw Lindsay yesterday and she has decided to run the race after all. She doesn’t have to wear the boot anymore and she’s in pretty great shape from a combo of working out and that awesome glow/weight loss that comes with being in a new relationship. Yes, I’m jealous – not of the new love (I’m incredibly happy with my man thankyouverymuch) but of the effortless loss of weight! Still, I had no babysitter so I figured I’d pass on the race.

Then, this morning I was listening to a local morning radio show and they were talking about the Baltimore Running Festival. One of their callers would be running his 49th marathon this year and he doesn’t even train.

What?!  He doesn’t train and can just go out there and run 26 miles???

Which got me to thinking – when I was “training” I pretty much just got my butt out there and ran between 1 – 4 miles without doing much preparation. I would just start and go with whatever felt good at the moment. Now, let me be clear… I AM NOT FAST! I just go at my own speed and I’m totally okay with that.

I ran 2 miles on June 26th and haven’t run since. Yeah, I’m totally ready to run a race in three days…

When I decided to start running again over the summer, I literally went out with my baby in the jogging stroller and ran a mile. A couple days later I ran two miles. And then I got busy/lazy and haven’t run again since then. That was in June and despite my wishing that I would turn into someone who liked exercising, I haven’t really done much since then.

Every week I start out telling myself that I’m going to use the elliptical machine, eat healthy, go for a walk/run, etc. And every week something comes up – last week it was the cold/croup combo that hit Jack (and the rest of us). Before that it was a 6 day workweek where I didn’t get home until 9pm three of the nights. See, always an excuse.

This morning when I heard that guy say how he just got out there and did it, it flipped a switch in my brain. I always say that things are mind over matter and if you tell yourself you can do something, you CAN do it. Well, I decided to shut my damn mouth and prove it.

My awesome brother has volunteered to hang out with Jack by the finish line and I’m running the race on Saturday. Yes, I decided Wednesday morning to run a 5k in less than three days. With no preparation at all.

But you know what; I believe I can do it. So I’m GOING to do it.

I mean, three miles isn’t that far, right? I doubt I’m going to get my best time ever, but I sure as heck won’t be last either. I even went online to make sure and last year dozens of people took over an hour to finish. My old times were closer to the 33 – 36 minute mark, so as long as I finish in less than 40 minutes or so I’ll be a happy girl.

I’m going to load a super fun running mix on my ipod, dress in my most comfortable running clothes, braid my hair so it’s out of my face… and run my butt off.

I’m going to prove to myself that I can do this. And if I can do this, I can put my mind to it and make some other positive changes in my life.

Please say a little prayer for me or cross your fingers or something, because I’m going to need all the support I can get!

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