I Normally Don’t Talk About Poop

9 Dec

I should probably start this story by telling you that Jack is not a traveling pooper. In his almost three years of life, I’ve only had to deal with him pooping outside the home (or daycare or Mimi’s house) three times. Ever. Not really sure why, but I’ve just been pretty lucky that it hasn’t really been an issue.

I guess the kid just likes his privacy.

I gave up my diaper bag about a year or so ago and don’t even bother throwing any diapers or wipes in my purse most of the time. I do have an emergency stash of diapers and wipes in the truck though, but they have been untouched for months.

Earlier today, Jack and I took my mom to the mall to do some Christmas shopping. Since it is a yucky and rainy weekday, the mall was actually quite empty which made shopping a breeze. We went to a couple stores and then wandered over to check out Santa.

Jack looked at him for a bit and decided that he didn’t really want to sit on his lap. I actually don’t blame him because it was a super grumpy Santa who frowned the entire time we were watching him.

We left Santa and went up to the Banana Republic to find a couple more tops for my mom to try on. Jack vacated his stroller and wandered around the changing area for a while. I thought he was looking extra cute, so I snapped this picture:

Jack mirrors

In hindsight, I’m pretty sure this is the exact moment that he was pooping. I got a whiff of yuck and immediately figured out the perpetrator. It wasn’t that hard. He pretty much had a haze of smell around him like PigPen.

No big deal. We bought our stuff and took a walk to the closest bathroom. Which is when I realized that the diapers were WAY far away in my car. Hmmm…

I thought I might get lucky though and be able to just remove the poop from the diaper without much of a mess. I mean, it could happen… right?

I left my mom outside and took Jack into the largest bathroom stall. He pulled down his little jeans and I unstuck and grabbed the diaper off of him.

And a turd rolled across the room.

I’m not really sure about you, but when a random turd flies out and rolls away… well, that shit is hilarious. Literally.

I was laughing so hard I almost fell over. But I didn’t. Because there was a TURD on the FLOOR.

There was no saving the diaper either. So I chased that stupid turd down, cleaned up everything and explained to Jack the meaning of “going commando.”

He very seriously promised me that he would NOT peepee in his jeans, so I left him with my mom and went as fast as I could to the other side of the mall and back to get a diaper from my truck. As I speed-walked through Sears I’m pretty sure a full dozen employees approached me to ask if they could help me find something. OF COURSE, because when I need someone I can never find anyone.

Anyways, Jack kept to his word and was happy enjoying the breeze of his dingle-dangles flying commando when I huffed and puffed up to put a new diaper on him. Thank goodness. Otherwise we would have made an emergency trip to Gymboree. Sigh.

So now is your chance. I know I’m not alone… tell me your most embarrassing kiddo toilet story! Am I the only one who thinks they need diaper vending machines in mall bathrooms?!

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8 Responses to “I Normally Don’t Talk About Poop”

  1. Katie @ Words For Worms December 9, 2014 at 4:48 pm #

    Haaaaaaaaa! Ooooh when he’s 16 he’s just going to loooooooooove this one! Of course, he’ll probably have a girlfriend whose mom ALSO totally blogged about poop, so maybe it won’t be a big deal at all.
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    • Joules December 10, 2014 at 10:39 am #

      Can’t you just imagine it… in a high school class the teacher asks “raise your hand if your mom has a blog” and the whole class raises their hands… lol

  2. Jessy December 9, 2014 at 5:13 pm #

    I love REAL stories like this! I don’t have kids, but I do have to pick up my dog’s poop… Does that count for something here? Hahaha!

    • Joules December 10, 2014 at 10:40 am #

      Dog poop counts. I remember Potter used to like to poop on trees and then run away from the poo as it rolled downhill towards him…

  3. Holly Hester December 10, 2014 at 8:44 am #

    Great story! One time August had a shit fit on an airplane and he went through three diapers in about ten minutes — all the diapers I brought with me on the plane! I had to stuff one of his shirts down his pants and pray for the best the rest of the flight!

    • Joules December 10, 2014 at 10:42 am #

      Jack was totally an airplane pooper too! When we flew at 6 months he immediately stunk up the cabin when the plane took off!

  4. Andi December 11, 2014 at 3:35 pm #

    Hilarious. Right up there with the time I heard little feet running behind me in the kitchen only to turn around and find my dog sniffing a little “present” my then 2-year-old son had left behind. I got to the bathroom and all he had to say for himself was, “I waited too long.”
    Andi recently posted…#AMonthofFaves: 5 Favorite {Insert Something Non-Bookish}!My Profile

    • Joules December 11, 2014 at 4:51 pm #

      Ugh, we are about to do potty training in a couple weeks and I live in fear of random turds in the house…

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