Me vs. the Mailbox Spiders

30 Oct

I have spiders in my mailbox.

I wish that was a euphemism for something sassy, but I actually have a problem of spiders living in my mailbox.

At first it was a random occurrence. Every so often when I’d open the mailbox I’d find a cotton-ball-looking web in the corner. If I poked it with a stick, a gross spider would run out like this.

Since it only happened sporadically, I was kind of okay with it. I mean, I didn’t LOVE IT but I could deal. Kind of.

A month or so ago I asked Travis to kill them, so he grabbed some flammable brake cleaner and an aim-a-flame. He sprayed the cleaner into the mailbox and then LIT IT ON FIRE.

Kaboom.

Yup, our mailbox kind of exploded and the numbers on the side are now a little bit crispy. Speaking of crispy, the fire left some charred critters behind. So I’d say that Travis only gets half a point for his help since the corpses were left behind for me to clean up. We thought that this would warn the other spiders that we were not to be messed with, but apparently they thought it was GAME ON and doubled-up on their mailbox infiltration efforts.

So then every time I opened the mailbox there would be two or more of those damn cotton ball nests. I devised a special mailbox opening system:

1. Grab my mailbox opening stick (which I keep on the ground next to the mailbox).

2. Open the mailbox door with the stick so that if there is a spider hiding under the handle it doesn’t get me.

3. Poke my mail with the stick and finagle it out of the mailbox, letting the envelopes fall to the ground.

4. Pick up my mail while vigorously shaking it to get any spiders or spider cooties off.

5. Use my stick and go all vigilante on the interior of the mailbox. KILL EVERYTHING and DESTROY all nests! This usually goes hand-in-hand with some spider smack-talk, like “WHO do you think YOU ARE living in MY mailbox.” “DIE, DIE, DIE” and “TELL YOUR FRIENDS that I will KILL YOU ALL!!”

6. Sheepishly wave to any neighbors driving by.

It got to the point where I wouldn’t even bother getting the mail if it were dark out, because it would be like that movie The Saw* where you stick your hand into certain danger and just wait for the horror to happen.

I thought of spraying some sort of bug killing stuff into the mailbox, but the internet pretty much screams at you if you even think of that. Not only will it most likely not repel the spiders, the chemicals will get on your mail… transfer to your hands… jump onto your toddler and cause him to grow an extra ear on his forehead. I also looked for some natural remedies and couldn’t actually find one that seemed to work for more than one or two people.

Just as I had resigned myself to the fact that I would just have to add “Spider Killer” to my resume and WERK it, they disappeared.

It’s been a couple weeks now and I haven’t seen any bit of a spider peeking out at me when I throw the mailbox door open with my magic stick (that was what 50 cent was talking about, right?!). It could just be the change of seasons (it’s gotten much colder by us) or maybe they finally realize that I will KILL THEM ALL. Whatever the reason, I’m glad that I don’t have to do my daily battle.

Have you had issues with spiders in your mailbox? How did you get rid of them?

*I can’t watch scary movies (or even too scary TV shows) at all because I’m a big wussy. However, a few years ago my husband and his friends really wanted to see Saw 58 or whatever was out that year. I offered to walk around the mall while they watched the movie, but they totally guilted me into joining them. I spent the entire movie curled up in my seat with my knees blocking my eyes. The couple scenes that I peeked at pretty much scarred me for life.

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5 Responses to “Me vs. the Mailbox Spiders”

  1. Teri October 30, 2013 at 11:24 am #

    I don’t do scary movies at ALL, Jules. I’m with you. Why pay to look at the inside of my hands for 2 hours? And the spiders may be gone due to the cold but beware, they will return next season!!!

    • JoulesDellinger October 30, 2013 at 11:29 am #

      If they return next season, SO WILL MY magic stick!! 😉

  2. Ashley F October 30, 2013 at 11:42 am #

    Kill it! Kill it with FIRE!!!!

  3. Lauren October 23, 2017 at 7:33 pm #

    Omg, I know this post is so old, but a simple google search for similar circumstances landed me here. I cannot tell you how hard my husband and I just laughed. Thank for bringing humor to this horrific situation! I will be hunting for a magic stick…. hahahaha

    • Joules October 23, 2017 at 7:54 pm #

      So glad you enjoyed it! I’m still fighting mine…

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