Author: Joules

Dear Reader: Let’s Talk about Wild Horse Sex

Dear reader who found my blog by searching for wildhorsesex,

Really?

You were really searching for wildhorsesex?

Why?

I mean, what reason could you possibly have for searching for wild horse sex?*

Are you interested in wild horses, or just how they mate? Perhaps you were wandering through the woods, stumbled upon a boombox playing “Let’s Get it On” and saw a couple filly’s snuggled together. Did you think, “hmmm, what comes next?” and then immediately google it to find out?

Or maybe you’re taking a trip to Assateague and want to know the warning signs on when the horses are feeling frisky so that you can cover your child’s eyes and run away?

If that’s the case, the magical search engines must have sent you my way for a reason. In July 2011 I actually witnessed wild horse sex. And wrote about it, of course, because that’s what bloggers do.

Here’s what I said then (if you’re too lazy or uninterested to read through the entire link and just want me to get to the good stuff. Sicko):

“The next day, the sea air put another horse in an amorous mood and I’m sad to say I witnessed horse sex from way closer than I ever would have wanted. And no, I don’t have a picture of that. Lea tried to get her camera out in time and run over to take a picture, but I sat on my blanket and laughed so hard that I started crying.”

So, I hope that quenched your thirst for knowledge. Sorry I didn’t take a picture for you. Actually, no I’m totally not sorry. It was gross and horrifying and now the image is stuck back in my mind. Thanks so much random reader.

You know what though; maybe we’re more alike that I initially thought. The other day I was randomly wondering how squirrels do it.

Not because squirrel schlong turns me on or anything. I’m not exactly sure what kind of person gets turned on by squirrel relations, but it’s definitely not me. I don’t know how the thought in my head even got there, it just did. I’m kind of a curious person.

Anyways, I whipped out my iphone and searched for “how do squirrels have sex”…

And you know what?

I’m not even the first person who has searched for that. The browser totally suggested the end of my question once I started with “how do squirrels…” so that’s kind of weird. Right?

Anyways, who would have ever guessed that the very first result would be a blog post called “Squirrels masturbate to avoid sexually transmitted infections.” Are you fascinated? Well, I totally was. And that is how I found myself clicking on various links to learn about squirrel sex.

So to my wildhorsesex reader, maybe you were just curious like I was. Or maybe you’ve got some kind of sick fetish. Probably one or the other.

Oh and speaking of curiosity. I’m sure you’re now curious to know the answer to how squirrels have sex…

{drumroll please}
The male displays his nuts.

Okay, that was totally a joke. Are you laughing? Well, I’m laughing so let’s just pretend that you let a little snicker out too.

Sincerely,
Joules

* And yes, I realized halfway through this rant that now anyone else who is searching for wild horse sex or even wildhorsesex will come to my blog. If this is you and you’re looking for some sort of instructions on how to entice wild horses to mate so that you can watch, please leave now. Just leave.

My Best Motivator

I suck at working out.

Okay, maybe I don’t actually suck at the action of working out. What I really suck at is getting motivated to exercise.

It’s funny because I actually do enjoy some workouts once I force myself to do them. Especially when I am able to go to the sessions with my new Stroller Strides friends

Oh, and I really like running 5k’s too. I’m on the waiting list for the Color Run in DC, which looks absolutely AWESOME. I’m also signed up for my favorite race in Baltimore this fall. One part of me is super excited for the race… but the other part realizes I should probably get my flabby mommy butt out there and work up some mileage again!

Now, believe me when I tell you that I am definitely NOT FAST when I run and I’m totally okay with this. What I like is the feeling of solidarity when all the runners {eventually} come running through to the finish line. All breathless, sweaty and proud of ourselves. It’s a pretty great feeling.

You know what does work to motivate me?

Guilt.

Yup, if I tell someone I’m going to be there for the workout and then don’t show up, the guilt would probably eat me alive. I absolutely hate inconveniencing anyone else… even more than I hate forcing myself to exercise after a long day of work.

This is why I’ve committed myself to a new running group (also with my Stroller Strides instructor).

If I know that they’re waiting for me to get out there and run with them, I’ll just have to do it. And hopefully if I start running with them once a week, along with going to a class on Saturday mornings, maybe just maybe I can force myself to exercise even more. I mentioned in a recent post that I was given a Zamzee to try out and I’m hoping between the guilt of committing to sessions and the positive reinforcement of earning points with my activities, I might finally push myself over the hump and get back in shape!

What tricks to you have to keep yourself motivated? Tell me here, on Facebook or by tweeting me at @joulesdellinger!

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Surprise Someone by Paying for their Order

I finally completed another one of my “Project Me” tasks – yay, me!

On Monday morning I was super tired (as usual) as I headed to the awesomeness that is the local drive thru Starbucks.*

A female police officer in her cruiser pulled into line behind me. I wasn’t speeding or doing anything wrong, so I didn’t get that little jolt of “oh crap” that I normally would. However, I had just come off a bit of a Girl Power weekend at BlogHer and was super happy to see a cool lady cop.

I thought that it would be nice to give her a happy start to her morning and decided to be sneaky and pay for her order.

I asked the drive thru barista to add the next order to my card and totally got all jittery (and no, I didn’t have any caffeine yet) that I was going to be caught. I asked her to tell the police officer “Thank you and have a great day” and quickly (but legally, of course) sped out of there before she turned the corner and could ID my truck.

Yeah, I know it was silly. But the whole point was to anonymously surprise someone with a good deed. Not for her to see me driving away and wave when we get stuck at a stop light. Awkward!

Anyways, as I drove away I had a big old cheesy grin on my face imagining her surprise and happiness at the little gift.

That $5 action made me feel so good all day long and hopefully it made her day too. Definitely money well spent!

So I challenge you to do the same.

Sometime this week when you’re at a toll booth or drive through, pay for the person behind you. I promise you will make someone’s day and most likely your own day too.

It you think about it, click back over here afterwards and leave me a note telling me about your good deed!

*On the subject of yummy food that you can buy without leaving your car, why aren’t there more healthy options? I would love to be able to drive through for Panera or Jimmy Johns and get my food without having to wake up/carry my baby into the restaurant!

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